IF YOU’RE AFRAID, KNOW THAT YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

I was having a difficult moment a little bit ago. I have this dream for my art. I feel so called to share my paintings, drawings and other things with the world. I should write what I mean by “other thing”.

Since my mom, Priscilla, passed on June 29, 2022. I have been journaling/writing letters to her just about everyday. From writing these letters, I have experienced profound healing, and I have such an all-consuming desire to share my healing journey in the form of a book. The working title: “Hi Mom. I love you.” The goal in this book is to help people learn to love and accept themselves for who they are. More specifically, the LGBTQ+ community. I know that I’m not the only person in the community that struggled/struggles with self-hatred. I feel called to share my experience and healing journey, so that you can learn to love and accept yourself for who you are as well.

Through journaling, I have uncovered so many beliefs I had about myself that were false. I was born in the 80s, and went to a Catholic school from Kindergarten through sixth grade. I’m not dogging on anyone, or religion it was a different time back then. I get it. However, I had to overcome a lot of trauma that I was taught from society back then.

So part of my healing I bought a couple of deck of cards, this is a fun game that I like to play with Mom. This one today is The Cosmic Journey Oracle I know that she is very active in my life even though I can’t see her with my physical eyes. She was active in my life when she was alive. One thing she always said to me, “I only want what’s best for you. I want you to have what I had and more.” Why on earth would that change now that she has crossed over? It hasn’t. I know that she’s just a thought away.

So in this game I play with Mom, I ask her, “Hey Mom, what is it that you would like to share with me for my greatest and highest good?” Today, this card pulled out: “The Universe wants to co-conspire with you.” I’m not going to write the meaning of the card verbatim because, you know copyright laws and all that jazz. However, in essence, it talks about when we’re given a dream [writing this book, creating art] it’s given to us for a reason. And that reason is to share it with the world, and that you trust – know/believe that the Universe/God is going to help you and meet you halfway to make that dream come true.

I’ve been struggling with the sheer overwhelming-ness of writing this book. There is so much to share, and I’ve been organizing my thoughts for months now on where to go with this book. It wasn’t until this past Christmas that I started writing. My goal has been to write an hour a day, at least five days a week. But when that hour comes, and it’s time to get in front of my computer and write; I’m paralyzed. Literally paralyzed with fear and I don’t write anything. Instead, I dwell on thoughts like, “I’m not good enough, I will never make it. What am I doing?”

Today, I learned to take that energy, and write a chapter on believing in myself, and using that fear as fuel to write for one hour. All my life I have used fear as a tool to run and hide. Run away from home (New Hampshire) because I was afraid I would be hated for being gay (not true), and fear that I had to get a job as a web developer making “good” money to support my family (I’m learning – slowly, that is also not true).

I so desperately want to share with others how I overcame my self-hatred, and now my self-doubt so that we can believe in ourselves and be the people that we were intended to be. I wasn’t planning on sharing this card pull today, but I thought it was important because of the mental anguish, sheer torment I put myself through at times. I wanted to share this with you as well, because you may be going through something similar, please know you’re not alone. We’ve got this!

Thanks for the message today Mom. I love you, John