Paintings
THE ONLY PERSON YOU NEED APPROVAL FROM IS YOURSELF.
For my entire life, I felt ashamed for being gay. Even though I have been out of the closet to family and friends for over fifteen years, and I’ve been accepted for who I am. I still felt deep shame; terrified of getting close to people out of fear they would reject me.
While my background might differ from yours, if you feel ashamed or uncomfortable with who you are, I want to empower you and help you kickstart your journey of healing, self-acceptance, and loving yourself because you are worth it.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
Acrylic. 30 x 24 inches.
January 2023.
My mom, Priscilla, passed on June 29, 2022. Her passing was the wake up call I needed to see how disconnected I was from my definition of God, myself, others, and life itself.
I’m being candid and open with you about my journey because we’ve been taught to keep things to ourselves because they’re “embarrassing” or “shameful” — no one needs to see the ugly parts of ourselves. However, by keeping these parts of ourselves hidden, we’re showing to one another, we have these perfect and beautiful lives. While that may be the case for some, the reality, for many, it’s the opposite.
A COLD, EMPTY HEART.
Acrylic. 24 x 18 inches.
August 2023.
Prior to my mother’s passing, this is what I felt in my heart. On the outside, I appeared to be a nice guy who got pissed off from time-to-time, but inside I was full of self-hatred, bitterness and pain. The part that blows my mind is how oblivious I was to all of it. The mind truly is powerful in protecting ourselves by any means necessary, often through the form of denial.
NEGATIVE SELF-TALK.
Acrylic & Mixed Media. 24 x 24 inches.
September 2023.
It’s uncomfortable being this open and honest with you. But I would rather be uncomfortable if it brings you comfort knowing that you’re not alone in your pain. There is no shame in who you are and how you cope with trauma. With every fiber of my being, I want you to understand that you are perfect the way you are.
I see you. I support you. I love you.
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Journal Entry | 8.27.2022 - Saturday
Hi Mom. Love you and miss you very much.
Journal prompt: I’m watching two people talk about me — they don’t know I’m there. What are they saying?
John is overly critical of himself. He doesn’t believe in himself. He gets upset easily. He can be sensitive at times. He’s not present. John is mean to himself. He is overly sensitive. Sometimes he lashes out and is mean to people. He can say really hurtful things to people. He pushes people away. John is defensive. He puts himself down. John punches himself. John gets frustrated when something he’s doing/working on doesn’t go his way. John hates himself sometimes. I can’t believe the way he talks to himself. He thinks he’s stupid and not good enough. He thinks he’s a piece of shit. John says things about himself that he would never say about another person. He thinks he’s a loser. He hates being corrected and doesn’t like when he didn’t do something “right” according to someone/anyone else. He gets mad at himself when he can’t figure something out. He pushes himself too much. He is his worst enemy.
CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS.
Acrylic & Mixed Media. 24 x 18 inches.
August 2023.
Early in my healing, I learned we are not our thoughts and feelings. This empowered me to know that I no longer had to be at the mercy of what I was feeling. I could control my thoughts, and by controlling thoughts, I could control my emotions.
By focusing on the present moment, I could get out of the rut of anxiety and depression. These two states of mind are extremely tricky to get out of. I would be lying if I said I never had depressive or anxious thoughts. It’s so easy to get lost and stuck in those states for days.
One practice that was helpful for me was writing on a note, “Where am I? What am I doing right now?”, and placing it in a spot where I spent the most time. When I was having anxious and depressive feelings, I would eventually come across the note and answer the question. “I’m sitting at my desk. It’s 3:18 PM on a Tuesday. I’m typing on the keyboard. I’m listening to Spotify. I’m drinking water from my favorite mug. It’s cloudy outside. The birds are chirping outside.”.
Would the anxiety and depression disappear in that instant? No, BUT, asking that question often, and consistently, it became a habit to check in with my thoughts. In time, the depression and anxiety eased.
Please understand that I am sharing with what worked for me. We are all different and have different needs. Perhaps what worked for me, or your own adaptation, can also work for you?
WHO AM i?
Acrylic. 30 x 24 inches.
June 2023.
Journal Entry | 6.9.2023 — Friday
I was working on a self portrait of when I was around fifteen years old walking home from school. It wasn’t until I painted the green bushes that I figured it out. This whole piece is about me being gay as a kid, and me never really acknowledging it — me never accepting myself as a kid, and me never really acknowledging it. It makes me wonder, as a 41 year old - have I really come to terms with being gay? “Come to terms” meaning — have I ever fully accepted myself for who I am?
LISTEN TO
AND TRUST YOUR INTUITION.
Acrylic & Mixed Media. 20 x 20 inches.
September 2023.
Even though I had thoughts and feelings mostly under control; I still felt deep hatred towards myself. At this point in my healing journey, I had been journaling a couple of pages a day for almost a year. Through journaling, I learned to trust myself. I wasn’t censoring myself. If I wrote something in my journal, it was true because I wasn’t filtering thoughts or words from anyone.
The process began when I would take a negative memory from childhood and sit with that memory. I would remember the situation, write about my emotions, and capture them on paper. I gave myself as much time as needed. Sometimes a half an hour was enough, other times it was days. Your heart will tell you when you’re ready.
When I was ready, I would reflect on the painful situation and reassure my younger self that it was okay; looking at the circumstances through my “adult eyes” I could logically approach what happened and why. This process was paramount in my healing journey. I would then take another memory when I felt ready and began the process again. This takes time, and from my experience, it’s not something you can rush through.
As a friend told me, and through my personal experience, healing isn’t a linear, but a spiral process. You may need to revisit the feeling again. It’s okay. Listen to your heart. Your heart will tell you what to do.
you are who you are, and that is enough.
Acrylic. 30 x 24 inches.
August 2023.
In time, I learned I was denying my sexuality to myself and hated myself for being gay. While I had a husband, and we’ve been together for twenty-one years, I had been out to family and friends. I was unconsciously denying my sexuality, thinking that I was immoral, perverted, wrong and dirty. It was okay for anyone else to be gay, except for me.
During this time, I discovered these thoughts and feelings resulted from how people treated me when I was a kid. How I was teased and bullied for being gay, being a hyper active kid and different. For over thirty-years, I had the same thoughts running through my head that there was something wrong with me. I was thinking like that little boy who was picked on, who was ignored and felt ashamed of being gay.
I am telling you now, in case you never heard it when you were younger, and you can relate to what I was going through. It’s okay to be yourself. You are wonderful the way you are. You don’t need to change yourself for anyone. So long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, the only person you need approval from is yourself. No one else. It doesn’t matter what was said, or what wasn’t said to you. You are lovable the way you are, and you are enough.
forgiving AND LETTING GO.
Acrylic. 24 x 18 inches.
September 2023.
When I learned the sources of the deep shame and self-hatred, I had two choices: take all that hatred I had towards myself and direct it to all those who hurt me. The second choice, take all the hurt and pain and turn it around to help people. This is where I am today, being here at this moment, telling you we can take our pain and turn it around for good.
While I have every right to turn my back on those that hurt me, I wouldn’t be doing myself any favors. Sure, I would no longer hate myself for who I was, but I would still carry hatred in my heart, and that’s not the way I want to live. I’ve had enough hate in my heart for long enough.
I wish I could tell you this is the easiest part of the healing process, but it’s not. Forgiveness is difficult. I am still working though and learning how to let go of the pain. What encourages me to push forward is knowing forgiveness is necessary to be completely free.
celebrate youRSELF.
Acrylic. 30 x 24 inches.
August 2023.
When I finally accepted myself for who I am, I bought myself a rainbow bracelet and wear it every day. This was tremendous in my recovery. This bracelet is my reminder to love and accept myself for who I am. I don’t have to come out of the closet anymore. When others look at the bracelet, they can safely assume I’m gay.
I know you may not see it now, but know that you are worthy of love, and you are worthy of belonging — simply because you’re here on this planet. You are worth fighting for, and you deserve to love yourself because if you don’t, you will always seek the approval from others. By seeking the approval of others, you conform to what everyone else thinks is best for you, and you lose yourself and your voice.
